Mat

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Below are the 1 most recent journal entries recorded in the "Mat" journal:

February 25th, 2009

04:38 pm

Wednesday
Today is a bad day.

Lately I have let my anxiety and fear take over and consequently it feels like the whole world has been mobilized against me. This is partly the reason I am restarting my Live Journal. I do not feel that any of my friends really care about my problems/concerns. I talk and talk but no one is listening. But I'm just paranoid for the most part. It is all in my head.

After a few months of trying to convince myself otherwise, I've given in to the fact that choosing to live in the Crack House was a huge mistake. My first clue should have been the fact that its called the Crack House. If I could travel back in time I would kick my own ass for giving up the right to live in the dorms. Every single day I start off annoyed. All around me is the evidence of my roommate's sloth and disrespect. The hallways are littered with trash, the floors covered in dirt and God knows what. The sink is ever full of dirty dishes.

Just the word dishes makes me cringe at this point. Why as a 20 year old man am I getting so worked up over ceramic plates and silver ware? I have been trying to calm myself down, but I am going to give in to the rage that builds up in my whenever I walk into my kitchen. I just do not understand why certain people think it is okay to never wash anything they use. To me that is a sign of disrespect, poor manners, and a bad work ethic. I am sure that my roommates think that I am on a high horse about it, but that is okay because I totally am. It is just one part of a bigger misery that I am stuck in.

The bathrooms are quite literally always covered in pubic hair, urine drops, and old pieces of toilet paper. And when the toilet paper that I buy runs out? Its just out until I buy more. I also know that my downstairs neighbors will come up to my floor and help themselves to whatever they need, which also makes me irate.

On top of all of this I am really being overwhelmed with school. My classes are so challenging and so fast paced that I am barely keeping up. Today I have to go to a professor and tell him that I forgot to hand sometime in to him, for the second time. It is unlike me to not be on top of everything. Sometimes the idea of being myself is just to much for me to live up to.

I would go to my friends about classes, but when I do I am only "upped." Meaning my complaints are usually met with complaints about bigger and bader problems that my friends are facing. The point of me getting something off my chest is not for you to try and dwarf my issues with your own. I just take all that in and let it burden me for no reason.

Yesterday that thought of returning to therapy seemed like a good idea. I'm not sure if I should just because of the time commitment.

Okay, I need to go to a class.

Current Location: B9
Current Mood: drained drained
Current Music: "Gypsy" Fleetwood Mac
Tags: crack house, housing, roommates, school

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